just some shit I'm dealing with

I've heard when the student is ready the teacher appears. Or perhaps like teaching toddlers a new skill it's all repetition. The same thing reappears until you learn it. So right now I'm teaching potty training. My son is teaching me how to pay attention, and how to have patience. How to make fun out of rather tedious situations that are well...kinda shitty in a literal sense. I won't go to much into detail because that seems more of his story then mine. He might not thank me later for detailing the accounts of potty training on a blog, so we'll leave the deets out.

What I'm learning from him is that the things and people we love flourish with our attention. That's how we love. We pay attention. People all want to be seen. To belong. To have their needs met so they feel safe. Even with all the messiness that comes with it. People want others to be themselves. Be real. It's been a real challenge to focus my attention. A lot of work. A lot of meditation, therapy, and lately praying. That's a new one. If anything will bring you to your knees it's feeling a bit helpless while your child is struggling. 

So many balls in the air raising kids in our society. So much pressure and frantic running about. And oh god the judgements. It's constantly bringing me to reevaluate how I think and show up. So much having to practice gratitude, and self compassion. So many mistakes. 

Even with how chaotic things seem right now. I feel more alive than I have in a long time. More present for the good and the bad. There are so many ways that I have been so lucky. There are so many things going right. I realize now support was always there. I just wasn't open to being vulnerable. To being supported. It's hard to realize that you need people. I do much better with people around. In isolation I tend to get lost in my own mind and doing busy work. All while avoiding the more important but more unltimately more taxing work.

There is really a sense in me now of the preciousness of time. This time now with my kids. A smile. A word. I don't want to miss all the beautiful things trying to fix things that aren't mine to fix. I don't want to fail due to misplaced priorities or pride. I don't think anyone really has the answers. Especially for my little nuerodivergent family. But there is a lot of strength in numbers. There is strength in weaknesses. In acknowledging shadows and limitations. In Forgiveness and just being in this moment. 

It's funny to think back of a younger me who had all these ideas of parenting. While many of the ideas had merit I definitely had no idea of what it took to be a parent. How your children bring out the best and worst in you. How much they see you. Really see you. Beyond anything you say. They learn what you do. They learn the culture of your family with such a keen eye. 

The things I do I do for them. Doors I open. The things I try to heal. I do so I can know how to guide them. While letting them guide me. I guess its head out of the clouds. Back to the practical. Back to work here in a few minutes. Even grateful for that. It's not what I want to do in the long term. But it's pretty peaceful all and all. Plus I get to listen to audiobooks and music of my choosing. Which is pretty cool. Teehee if you know. You know. I do appreciate me a good pun. Well Back to it. One more round and Back home where my heart is. 

All the love,

Emily