My Body, My Wild Creature

My love in curves

My love in smiles

My love in sighs

I traced her curves once

Figure study

Rounded

Plump

The way my hand moved on curves

A mark here

Then I cried

She was so beautiful

She looked a lot like me

Not slim

Made to size

Made to fit

Just herself

Just happy

Strange love

To love body as other

Someone in need

The body as consort

Not less

A creature of dirt

Dark

Gritty

Lovely

Explore the neck

The shoulders

The jaw

The tension

Locked in tight

Remembering

Curled into my self

Bent like a pretzel

High as hell

He just smiled 

And asked what ya doing there?

No judgements

Just okay then

Grateful for this time

Happy in my body

Watching my mind circle

I'll let my sprit fly

Let it go

But keep the bright bits

And the smiles

Remembering

Cells singing

Old songs

Calls

Warning bells

All things

Here in the warm darkness

All things

I spoke the words

Tried to love

I thought I believed

convinced somewhat

there is thinking

then there is knowing

Then the devil detail of thinking you know

Oh no no no

Levels

Unknowing

Levels

Unthinking

Levels 

unfolding

Messy unfolding

Untangle the knots

Shoulders hold things

Seems like strings

A pretty puppet

Ask

Manifest

Watch the creature speak

Once beautiful

Now monstrous

Phases like the moon

Howl like wolves in pale light

Yes, I am monstrous

You get what you ask

Speak

Spoke and spin round

Singing 

Spinning into the ground

Remembering love 

Fighting for pieces of peace

A look that Spoke volumes

Distance

Disgust

Remembering love 

Trying to remember love

Why is it so much a struggle?

Practical solutions

Emotional storms

Silence after

You asked

Can you recieve?

During lock down I did a figure drawing challenge called figuary. I drew a nude figure according to criteria and lessons everyday in the month of February. It was such a good experience. I got on Instagram and shared my clumsy drawings and watched others do the same. It was a really wonderful experience that I didn't think the internet could provide. People can be so kind. So helpful.

One of the figures was a plus size(what a funny term that one) model and drawing her was so fun. I really love drawing big sweeping curves. Her face was so gentle and free. I remember thinking how beautiful she was. I traced curves so joyfully. Then I thought how her body looked so much like mine and that I couldn't remember thinking myself beautiful. Always something to fix. If this is right then I can love my body. Only then never comes. Time passes and it all seems so pointless.

It takes a lot to go from theory to practice. Like all practices...it's well just that, just practice. Our society planted a lot of ugly trees in our gardens. Roots running deep. They are there. But Ugly trees shade. Have value. They tried to protect. Maybe like so many mothers. Or a mother culture. Who meant well. But planted the wrong seed by accident. Or perhaps there are no accidents. Maybe the forest is better for that ugly tree. Much love to friends that plant forests to give those ugly trees companions. 

Plans need action. Action needs to be driven by purpose, by intention. I asked my body to tell me things. Apparently my shoulders are angry. Trying to unload some things. Things that aren't mine. Thing i dont have to carry. I have plenty to carry without the wieght of other people's emotions. That's for them to do. Funny thing is no one really asks or want you to do that. But it's hard to stay centered and untangled anyhow. Oh we silly humans with our unnecessary tangles. But how boring life would be without them.

This week I've dived further into audiobooks with The Joyous Body by Clarissa Pikola Estes PhD, and My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor PhD. I loved in the Joyous Body thinking of the body as a faithful companion. A consort. That concept was really powerful for me. Instead of thinking as the self as self from an ego perspective thinking of it as it's own entity was a game charger for me. The body as consort. A beautiful loyal companion on this whole life ride. Some of the same sentiments were echoed in the stroke of insight. Thanking the body for all the wonderful things it does. That we exist is really an amazing thing.

 In closing I would like to thank my good friend Lexie. You've taught me and continue to teach me so much. I've been lucky to find the people I have in my life. I really loved your essay. Stay tuned for an upcoming guest post folks!

Well that's all for this post. I guess I need to dust off and do something. Or maybe just say fuck it and go to sleep. Sometimes a body just is grumpy because it wants a nap. Facepalm if only I could take my own sage advice. 

Hugs. 

Urrggg

Sigh

Goodnight!