the underside

Upside down

Knots

Tangles

On the up side

Strangers say

Pretty

Same in the hand

Just where the eyes can see

Narratives

Old stories seem new

Rebrand 

Spin

A thread

A tapestry

The fringes 

Dangle

Tangle

Dance

Smells familiar

Coming home

Parallel paths

Two Truths

One life

Death's door

Walk past

Walk fast

Upstairs

Smoke curls through fingers

A dog in the cold

Complicated creations

Tricksters teach

Some preach

So many rules

So many deviations

Not tonight

In the dark

Fear sets in

Smells familiar

Coming home

A mother's arms

Bruised 

Scratched

Open still

See

Be here in this moment

Precious

Painful

Free

Pause

Evaluate

Move 

Energy flowing

Littles are growing

Moon not glowing 

Not yet

Wait

Rising

Our

Own

Explain

Move away

Move in

Show up

Love

To help my kiddos with their struggles it's been imperative to learn and navigate my own flaws and limitations. One can do a lot of things. But not everything. Sometimes overwhelm hits. I've got coping skills, and will. Here we go. "Mom has to leave the room buddy. I'm frustrated too. I love you. I'll be back."

I can't know what life is like for him. My son. But he's of my own skin and bones. From that I try to understand him. I know what its like to feel so worked up that all I can do is rage. I know what it feels like to feel outside of yourself. As if the energy extends beyond your fingertips, beyond your skin. And if you don't move you might spiral down or explode. I've learned to understand my feelings, identity the rising anger. To move away and calm down. Then, after the storms pass, I move close and explain my feelings. Speculate on his. He smiles. We regulate together. I may not always guess right but I hope he knows I'll never stop trying. I hope in part he feels understood. Accepted. Loved. It was a journey to get here. Sometimes I still get it wrong. But it's better. The little steps count.

My oldest is 5 years old, almost six. He is Autistic and nonverbal. He must have so many thoughts. It must feel so frustrating to be alone in them. Struggling to be understood. He's my kiddo. So I assume, especially from his pronounced side eye he has to share my analytical nature, at least in part. My Turbulent emotions. Sorry about that buddy, but I promise it also has its perks.

I have my own neuro-spicy nature. Nothing diagnosed. I'm sure I could pick a pathology. I meet plenty of criteria. In many ways I'm my mother's daughter. It's beautiful and terrifying. Sometimes it's all I can do to try to not kick myself for all I know I lack. So I work on self compassion. I go to therapy. I write in my multiple journals. And probably share too much here on my little blog. It'll probably make me cringe one day. It's just me trying to figure it out. Gain clarity. Trying to be a good person and a responsible proactive parent. Rinse, repeat, the wheel goes round.

Again back to gratitude. For darkness. For the light. For the messiness. For the understanding smiles and laughter. For music and living room dance parties. For the strengths and weaknesses. Both are gifts. 

I'm grateful for the loving people I'm blessed to know. For the acceptance and love I've been shown. For support from friends and family. For my wonderful husband who accepts me not just in spite of my weirdness, but loves me flaws and all. My husband who loves his children so well. Damn. That's a lot to be thankful for. A container strong enough to hold it all. As Jon Kabat Zinn would say the full catastrophe. This living life. 

I'm grateful for knowing I'm not alone. We struggled so much. Now, we have an excellent team of professionals at his school. Consistent, calm, and structured people who are helping us so much. I heard so many negative things about navigating the public school system with special needs kids. The interwebs can be that way. But I can say that has NOT been my experience. They have been wonderful to work with. I never want my kids to be limited by what I know. I can only see what I can see. Give from my experience. He has a team, a village, and a good shot at thriving at life. Shout out to special education teachers, because damn they be built different. 

All the love!

Happy Samhain!

Blessed Be!

Amen!

Goodnight!