The Mighty or Modest Mouse?

Modest Mouse

Not mighty mouse

Tunes in ears

Spin

Dance

Dream

Scream

To the void

To my phone

Fantastical ideas

Some words

Misty Mystical Mormonism

Claiming heritage

But not all

The past...

Well, pass some shit back

Shiny distractions

My mind

Oh, My!

Chasing shadows

Where is mama's mind?

Sorry baby

I fly

Too far

Not far enough?

Sigh

Sleep

Sleep

Sleep

Circle back 

What to keep?

Snow falls

Peaceful

Floating to the ground

Small moments

Coffee

A cozy sweater

Small things

All things

Here

Smoking jacket back on

To the madness

Let's get in the car

I'll drive

It's okay y'all

I can feel the spirit

I have the wheel

Can't reach the pedals though

Too many messiahs in the desert

Go home little mouse

blood spilt in the desert

Heady 

Heady

Floaty headed jackass

In the land of the righteous

The jacks may have the ace

The queen of hearts

Heady Heady brew 

Sip sip sip

Off with it

Your head that is

Because we're all mad here

It's mad 

Black and white

And red all over

Redress

Skulls on mountains

Rock steady

Rock well

Rock out

With your cock out

How the mighty fell

Dark words

Dark stories

doctrines with death threats

Prophet?

Sure

I'll give you that

But the message was in lives

In wives

So just finishing up a podcast called Year of Polygamy. It was a pretty fascinating listen. I didn't come it to thinking of Joseph Smith as a prophet so the nitty gritty of it didn't hurt my feelings. But in my estimation everyone is a prophet of God. So sure, yeah, he was one too. Charismatic tricksters are excellent teachers. But my take, for what its worth as someone who's done only done a little reading of any of it, so large grain of salt is this my opinion as it is.

So none of the religions have it right? Go to yourself. Go to the woods. You are your own revelator. The god of your own creation. Slow burn prophet. To make strong, you make weak. Inbalance the genders to balance the genders in time. Say one thing and do another. But you have the truth? To create fantasical tales. Just a flawed man telling stories. Isn't that the way with all stories? His wives, and all their lives were a stronger message then anything he said. Who cares what you say? It's what you do. Who cares if you're a pious sounding person if your life creates chaos and pain? Of God, but just as important of human. This Devine human experience.

The biggest take away for me is the danger of following anyone who thinks they are the only one God talks to. No sugar biscuit you are not singularly blessed! You precious child of God! God talks to everyone. Everyone is a messager. No one has all the truth. You have your truth. You are the maker of heaven or hell in the example you set for your children. You are the one mighty and strong, in your life, to the people you know. You are the hero in your own journey. In that way you are the one. Just one of many though.

Now in his time. In a time when death was close and things seemed choatic how comforting it must have been to hear certainty of the afterlife. Have you lost loved ones? Many children? Well you'll be an eternal family in heaven. How compelling that must have sounded to people grieving and scared. How beautiful it must have been to see God speaking in your own time. New revelations. To have words that justified racial inequality when the country was about to plunge into civil war. A comfort. The comfort of knowing in uncertain times.

What I didn't realize is the long tradition of mysticism in mormonism. Folk magic. Magical thinking. I found affinity in hearing those stories. I also see remnants of magical thinking all over the Mormon diaspora. Both for good and ill. You let that type of thinking take over too much without using your god given brain, well you might just drive yourself straight to hell. It's a short white knunckled drive. In that I have been a passenger and a driver. I've ran right off the edges of reality in fear before. It took a long time to come back. Luckily I've been blessed. Blessed to have a lot of good people around me. People that held my hand. People that can speak of complexity. People that know there are levels to things. People who didn't discredit me as a person because I was unstable for a time. 

Just before the New Year I took down my alter. Something I created in mystical wonderment, seeking and healing.  Pretty rocks, leaves, candles. I just feel tired now. Like I'm in a holding, waiting time. Now, instead of an alter I have my laundry basket there on my dresser. I think that is the next step in my journey. Less Woo Woo more practical to dos, and getting stuff done. Less there. More here. The Grounding of it. None less or more. Just moving with the wheel. Knowing it will come back around again.

Taking apart the alter. I scattered the  leaves in the yard. Moved the gratitude journal and candle to live by my bed. Where I can relax and reflect. Chill. I had such grand plans for the new year. I always do. New year, new me. That dumb shit. I think maybe just be okay. Okay? A new day starts the night before. Less whiskey more water. Small actions come to fruition over time. Maybe less to do lists. Maybe more Tadas. Celebrate what goes right. Which is a lot. A lot goes right. A lot gets done. Maybe just less everything. To make room for more. Well, everything.

More time. More space. More attention. More calm. I think this drive to success is driven more by fear than anything. My vulerable self wants a responsible hiding spot. Curl up armadillo style into ball at this wierd cultural moment. But the impulse to focus on self improvement isn't bad, maybe just focus more on self care, whatever that means for me in my next chapter.

I always feel like there is a scarcity of time. But there is time. Just only time for what matters. What actually matters. Scooping the shit in my own yard in reality and metaphorically speaking. Hanging out with people who uplift me. Quit feeling like I have to prove anything to anyone. If I set my mind to it. Really set my mind to it I think I can make time. Gain skills I need to become more self sufficient. At the same time stop thinking I need to do so many things on my own. Stop fucking running all the time. Except for actual physical runs because they be fun. Breathe. Have some fun. Because that's important too.

There was a lot gained in exploring. I think a few things make more sense. My family, and culture. Exploring mormon thought and seeing myself there. I guess culturally I'm a Mormon. No baths, memberships, or anything. Don't really want any of that. Never did. But the thinking lives in my blood, my bones. It's a part of me. I'll claim it as part of me. Makes it easy to avoid the pitfalls that way. Easier to appreciate the bright bits too.

Now, to meld the practicalities with the spiritual. The everyday with the inheritance of history. To see now as its own unfolding within the scope of a larger picture. To stay open. Curious. Without losing myself. It's just life. Nothing to get so serious about. It's all kind of a joke really. 

Here's to filling cups. Cheers to a new year! Cheers to the same old me. Emmy moving through time on a line. Moving forward. Steps. 

All the love

Digital hugs!